Students Are the Best

 A moment to breathe. Four more days of school. Then Summer School. A student just brought me in the most amazing drawing. She wasn't able to do too many assignments this year, but she's a deep thinker and a great artist and she's passing the class because it's the right thing to do. She shared with me some of her struggles this year and I believe her. On my wall I have letters students have written me. It is one of my most prized possessions. Beyond the curriculum it shows that we connected and it makes me feel good in times of trouble. I let people borrow books on the honor system and most of the students bring them back. That makes me feel good too. My classroom library makes me feel good too. 

Here I Am

 Here I am. Another day. Another day trying to carve out a place for me in this chaotic world. Another day wondering how to be happy. How I can get the most out of the day. Such an American concept. Or is it American to think that any concept is solely American? Parents are coming up to visit at the end of June. Moving back into the house at the end of June. Wondering how to translate all these chaotic thoughts into a piece of art. Enjoying reading Gary Singh's book about San Jose. 

Never Wanted to Be Rich

 I never wanted to be rich. I never wanted to be famous. I would love to have published something or been considered or great or incisive writer with a unique style. I would love to be able to play the guitar or sing. I would love to have performed in a play or written a play that someone performed that rang true to many. The people I admire are rarely famous, but occasionally you hear someone famous speak and you say to yourself that they deserve to be famous. Genius is an overused word, but you meet them sometimes. Or you hear them from a distance. Moving out soon. Taking the books to my classroom that are high school appropriate. What is high school appropriate these days? I always like to push the envelope. To bring in the controversial or bring in reality a little to the classroom. They always say why can't you prepare them more for the real world. The classroom is in the real world. It's not sealed off. It allows in the good and the bad from the streets. 

My parents will be visiting at the end of June. I don't know how I feel about that. They're getting older and I'm getting older. One brother still hasn't picked up the telephone. One brother hasn't even texted. I haven't texted him either. I don't know what to say that wouldn't have a mound of subtext. He moved very far away and I don't have any kind of relationship with his kids. Everyone lives far away really. Would you want them any closer? Would that bring more problems. C's family handles it pretty well. They have their areas that they stay clear of and they fight every so often but they give each other space and then they come together again when they miss each other too much or for too long. 

I would love to travel again. I would love to take the kids on a trip. I would love to live in Mexico again with them. Maybe a Mexico of my dreams and not a Mexico that is the reality today. I would like them to speak Spanish and know that side of their culture. I would love for them to see the United States from the outside. 

What do you love about Mexico? Once your body has adjusted and you're not getting sick. The food. The Mexican breakfast. The Mexican pan de dulce. My suegra's cooking really. Better than most restaurants. The way she does enchiladas de verde. Pozole. Chilaquiles. The cheese. The Christmas traditions. The visual arts. Maybe I just want to visit and not live there. That was the dream from the before times that we would live down there in the summers and come back to work here during the school year. So far to afford living here on one salary though. 

What do you love about San Jose? The school playgrounds are nice. The parks are nice. Santa Cruz is close. Lake Tahoe is three hours away. The weather is nice. The Mexican food is good. I like my school. I like my job. 

Do I Want To Go Back?

 You're always half hoping that you can make it work. Why? When she won't even listen to you about your life. You have nothing in common with her. From the beginning. 18 years later. She is up and down every day. She can't find a way to manage her stress. Is it time to start dating again? To find someone else? To remake my life? Where will my kids fit in? You will figure it out as you go. What will it be like to feel desire and be desired again? You have to build yourself up again. You are worthy of being desired. This image flashes into my mind that I need to start doing sit-ups. With all its challenges, I enjoy my job. I enjoy learning more about teaching, reading and writing. Film. 

I already told my son I'm going back. We could probably swing the two residences financially. 

Not What Is Missing-What is Going Right

 S is making me a cake for my birthday. She is looking for the plate. "You don't want to miss your birthday party. You want to celebrate it. I'm decorating it." You have to remember these moments. You can't dwell on all the disappointments and lack of connection with people because there are these moments too. Where you feel perfectly happy and fulfilled. The way the psyche works and the way the memory works is that it searches out when something is wrong and you forget when things are going right. I have so much to be thankful for. 

The inbox is always full. The house always needs to be cleaned. No of this will matter when your life is over. Who will be there at the end? Who will you think about and a smile will come to your face? Where will I go after I die. How old will I be when I die and how old will my kids be? Will they remember me with fondness? Will we be close until the end? I am not close with my parents. Was I ever close? We used to watch Sunday football games. We used to go to my soccer games and vacations together and we/I felt happy. We used to swim in the pool together and have bbq meals in the hot summer nights. 

How do you know if someone in your family really loves you and it's not just fulfilling the minimal family obligations? Who would really go out on a line for you? Who would stand by you when the chips are down? I saw who supported me when I was going through marriage challenges. When I called in that parking lot to tell my parents what had happened I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. There was not a human being on the other end of that line. 

I have learned certain lessons of compassion from all the different kinds of books I've read. I have a flexibility with people and a willingness to see things from his or her point of view. 

I have been a teacher for 15 years. I have had many positive experiences with students. I have tried coaching soccer, teaching advanced classes, starting classes, advising clubs, going to trainings and signing up for professional development. I have worked hard to build up my classroom library. 

What are the techniques or teaching philosophy ideas that I keep coming back to? Choice in reading and writing. Students learn writing by writing. Quickwrites. Gradeless classroom with maximum feedback while they are writing drafts. Writing conferences. Reading conferences. Book talks. 

Something Different This Time Though

 It's time to stop looking at the Covid dashboard. This pandemic will go on for a long time. The virus will be with us forever, but what will become of my day to day life? What will teaching look like in the fall? What will school be like for my children? It's exciting to see S read. It's exciting that he enjoys reading. It's one of the main pleasures of life for me. 

Where does that zeal come from that I was expressing in the Earth President script idea to destroy humanity and start over. A demilitarized zone where the animals can come back. Nature is healing. Chernobyl. Each death and each Covid case represents a web of relationships that have been permanently changed. Orphans. For some there is nowhere to go for advice, comfort and love. Now the P's are getting bombed by the I's once again. 

How can I's who were killed throughout history become the killers now? Short memories. Trauma. The nature of human beings. I've seen immigrants hating other immigrants for being immigrants. 

C is finishing up her Master's. Thank god. The debts we have continue to get paid. The American government continues to be imperialist. The American military continues to repress local movements. There is something different this time though. There is more in the media about the P's perspective. Social media can't be fully censored. Bits of truth are sneaking in. Slipping by. 

I haven't had a good talk with my parents in a while. I'm afraid to invite them up, especially now with what's happened in the family. Hope P is ok. He hasn't called me back and I haven't talked to him in a while. I know he's looking for a teaching job again. 

Teaching is a great job. I have so many unread books but it makes me happy to see them all lined up. I like to take them down and organize them. Straighten them so I can look at all the titles. My curiosity about the world has never dimmed. I continue to seek out new music. 

FDR's Bill of Rights. Clean Water. A clean environment. California is trying out a guaranteed income. You don't have freedom in our current system because you are indebted and you're too exhausted to enjoy your life. Too exhausted to enjoy your kids. I feel lucky to be a teacher. To have a union. To have medical and dental care and retirement. 

End of the School Year

 It will take some time for all that happened during this year to be absorbed. My students seem tired. I'm tired. I'm still doing Summer School. I don't know what that will be like. Some of my students have really tried and done great projects and pieces of writing this year. Overcoming obstacles. Students will always surprise you. There is great upheaval in this society. A forced reckoning with the past. It's always difficult to focus on the moment. To focus on this act of writing. There are so many forces clamoring for my attention. I'm trying to be a good father. A good teacher. Husband I'm not sure what to make of that right now but I am trying to help her in any way I can. When the chips are down you do let go of your quibbles and rancors. When it's life or death or someone's desperate or really hurting, you don't care what their politics are. We all come at life from different angles. From different life experiences and from what we believe is true. 

A Moment to Catch My Breath

 A moment to catch my breath. What a year! Move out of the house. Covid. Distance learning. Two young kids. Fearing for their safety and health and my own. Mental health issues in the family. Divorce in the family. Issues with a brother. Issues with parents over reading selections and classroom discussions. Presidential election. Paying debts. Paying rents. Preparing lessons. Managing my kids' interactions with other kids but still trying to push them to be self-sufficient and independent. 

Having gone through so much with my wife. Is the love still there? Are we meant to be together? Am I capable of love? Is she the right person for me? Does she make me happy? 

The conversations with one brother are good, but I feel I have to call him or he won't call me. The conversations with the other can be walking on egg shells. I don't feel the closeness with my parents. One of them is often there but won't come on the phone. Lurking in the background. The other one didn't give me the support I needed in a tough time. The common humanity and love was lacking. Something I sensed all along but it hit me hard because I really needed help in that moment. 

I would like to perform my poems at an open mic. I would like to go to live theatre. I would like to go to a U.S National team game or an MLS game. I would like to see my son and daughter play soccer or run. I want to continue my writing. I want to continue my reading. I want to continue to get better at being an English teacher. 

How to take all you've learned and integrate it into your daily practice? 

Another Day Another Dime

 Happy to have this job. With all the challenges I've faced this year, my life could be much harder. Reading through the list of stresses on children at Kaiser, I realized that I've shielded my kids from most of them, but when playing with the neighboring kids you've got to let them duke it out sometimes. Listening to the interview with Francisco Goldman talking about Monkey Boy and wondering what experiences I had as a young man that left a mark on me. I remember Eugene commenting on a huge zit I had on my face. Put me in a shell for a long time. Sports helped. Playing soccer and running. Being yelled at by the soccer coach. I wasn't equipped to handle it. No one had ever been mean to me. I didn't know how to handle unfairness and I wasn't close enough to my parents or they weren't equipped to give me the advice I needed. Maybe they did and I don't remember it now. Maybe I wasn't ready to receive their advice. They loved me how they could. I love as I can. I can see my own limitations sometimes as I'm talking to my kids. I hear my father's voice sometimes in my own. 

A New Life

 Will I take that leap? Will it hurt my kids? Will my kids recover? Is it the right decision? What is love? Am I capable of love? Is anyone capable of loving me? I don't feel it from my parents. I feel it from one brother. The other brother is distant from my life. I don't have any friends. The family members that I socialize with have so many of their own complications that I can't reveal my own. Covid has put a wrench in some family interactions because you have to either take the side that it's real or that it's a Democrat/government conspiracy to destroy business. That's it's been exaggerated. That universities are fabricating studies. There's no bottom to this conspiracy. Whoever is controlling all this is very smart! I put my own thoughts aside for the most part to keep family relations civil. I'm always doing this. There comes a point where you wonder if you should stop putting your own thoughts aside and speak up no matter what the cost. Especially because they have my dog. 

Moving in again in June. We'll see how the goes. I don't know where we stand or how I feel. I'm still hurt about what I've been accused of. No one can ever know the true nature of that. Besides my brothers and her sister. I'm a people pleaser and I avoid conflict until it boils up so much that I explode. There is a resentment that can set in if you're always the one bending over backwards and making compromises. On the other hand, in those instances where I was honest I do wonder if it was worth it and sort of regret it afterwards. 

So Much In My Mind

 Avoided going into Covid political discussion at a family party. What is the point? You can't argue with them without taking the whole family down with you. It's hard to brush aside certain family comments sometimes. "He's our dog now," for example. Struggling with conflicting feelings about my family. The life of an adult. You have to focus on the good. I need more time for my reading and writing, but I often find myself helping others. How can "when is there time for me" not come off as a selfish plea? The sad realization yesterday that our relationship will never be the same. Maybe I will meet someone new. How it will affect my kids is the central concern. In the Dollar Store yesterday I didn't want to buy my kids any more toys. They have so many toys they don't use. Places like that make me depressed because I hate consumerism, but sometimes people need to buy things. We're on this train of destroying the earth and there's no getting off. Here comes the fire season again in California too. You have to focus on things you can control. I need to run and start meditating again. I have some great books. Now I just have to read them and incorporate the teaching ones into my practice. 

Why does the loud win out? Something women have been saying for centuries. I just have to be confident in who I am and not compare myself to others. I don't want to get in that trap of tearing other people down to feel better about myself. It's hard to feel sometimes that no one truly loves you, but then I think my kids do. They miss me. How long will that last? Enjoy it now and don't worry about the future. 

End of Another School Year

 Such a mix of emotions at the end of the school year. You want to prepare students for the AP Exam, but you also want them to enjoy the end of the school year. You want to give them something to remember the class. What books have we read together? The Poisonwood Bible, There There, Hamlet, Pnin, The Things They Carried, Fences, The Piano Lesson. I tried to do some Russian short stories from George Saunders book with one class. It's been a strange year because it's all been online. I've tried to connect as best I can. I tried to question the canon by teaching The Things They Carried but also having them read a Vietnamese or Vietnamese-American author too. We did a lot of poetry. I enjoyed our discussion about poetry because the students had a lot of interesting perspectives. 

I'm trying to plan Professional Development for the summer and I'm waiting to hear back about summer school. I'm running every day. C is trying to finish up the Master's. She is having the typical challenges you face in any hospital. 

When the Enthusiasm for Writing Fades

 This the stage I always get to where I wonder why I do this. Why write? Why buy all these writing books? Why feel guilty when I don't write? Why can't I enjoy my life without writing? Why can't I feel that there are other areas that could make me happy? The short answer is that nothing brings me the satisfaction, so although it's hard and I want to give up I always come back to it. I don't know what kind of writing is best for me. When I look at output it would be poetry. I like this idea if not following your bliss only but also taking into account what you're good at. I'm good at working with teenagers. I'm good at reading and writing. I'm good at discussing books and articles and current events, so teaching is a good fit for me. Am I good enough to publish? I don't know yet. I know I enjoy writing when I'm able to overcome my doubting demons. 

Had to give L back to the in laws. Probably the right decision as the landlord won't take pets, but it still hurts. S cried a lot. Did I prompt her to cry to make the in laws know how hard it hurts? Maybe. 

Pondering a Coen brothers marathon for the remaining class time. 

I don't know if I'll be doing summer school. They haven't gotten back to me yet. I'm trying to sign up for Professional Development. The hard part is always integrating what you've learned into your daily practice. 

My Daily Musings

 Worry about my kids' stutter. S has it like Se. Se got better though. He still struggles sometimes. I'm reading The Piano Lesson and Fences. Trying to figure out a way to teach them and read them in person and online with the folks at home. I have to prepare them for the AP Exam too. My dog has been staying with us. Will he go back to W? He's my dog. Do you ever feel by being flexible as a person it lets the inflexible take advantage of you? Until you explode. Like a raisin in the sun. I need to read all the writing by the Film Studies students. There's no way around it. They need feedback to progress. I need to show them I care about all the work they've put in. If I don't call my brothers or my parents will they ever call me? Why do I always have to be the one to call? 

Some family members are not going to get the vaccine. Some of my students are not going to get the vaccine. We are up to about 40% in Santa Clara County who have taken it. Segun. It will be interesting to go to Mexico in August. My suegra has lost faith in AMLO and says Morena are a bunch of Communists. I wonder what my suegro thinks. She wants to vote PRI again. G is going to go down and visit S and his new girlfriend. He spent $7,000 on her in a month and has no money now. He's using the credit card. 

You wonder about the remaining years of your parents' lives. What gives you purpose to go on? How can a person organize their lives so as their health fails they still have a reason to get up in the morning? What animates my life? My children. My teaching. A parent can invest all they have in their children and then their children can turn their backs on the parents. No one can predict what will happen but you have to do what is right in the moment and hope for the best. 

You buy all these books about writing but there's no substitution for writing. What can I write about? What unique perspective can I bring? A white male heterosexual middle class kid from Southern California who lives in Northern California now. I have lived in Mexico. I live with a Mexican wife and have a little experience with Mexican culture. I have tried to get to the heart of American culture, but I don't care about that anymore. I couldn't wrap my hands around it, so I decided to focus more on what I could control. 

I still love soccer and the U.S National Team. I don't care about basketball or football anymore. I still love track and field. Music still matters to me. It gives me great pleasure to get to know my catalog more deeply. I like some country music and folk music. I love the story telling and wisdom how it distills greater truths into a song. John Prine for example. Jason Isbell. 

C encounters the same challenges with every nursing job. She makes a point of doing things right and this threatens certain entrenched interests that don't want to do things right. She then keeps her head down and they want her to be more assertive. When she is assertive her coworkers work to get her fired. 

Music and Travel

 What have I been listening to lately? Jeff Buckley. Mercury Rev. Drive-By Truckers "21st Century U.S.A." The singer lists off all the corporations that play such a large part in our lives. The debt. The look to Amazon for salvation. Nina Simone has a song 22nd Century that's interesting too. A plague that changes society. I don't know if Covid will change society much. People want to revert to the before times. Music does play an important part in my life. When I can't do anything else, I can listen to music. I enjoy doing chores when I have music in the background. I feel like I'm not wasting my time. I've always required a minimal amount of cleaning. I like to wash the dishes and fold clothes. This carpet hasn't been vacuumed since I moved in because the vacuum is broken and I don't know where to take it. There are about four more weeks in the semester and then I start Summer School. It has been uplifting to talk to the students face to face, but I hope this hybrid model doesn't go on in the Fall. Will students have the option of just doing distance learning. This seems to take teachers into account last. No deviation from governmental policy of the past? A profession largely composed of women pushed around by men. 

We have done some interesting trips on the weekend to the Mission in San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Gilroy, and Casa de Fruta. It always feels good to get out of town. You feel like you step off the treadmill and you're really living. That was a nice trip to San Diego for NMSI. Traveling is something I've always wanted to get back to. There aren't many places I want to go: Japan, Israel, other parts of Mexico. I would like to travel around the United States with my kids. Russia would be interesting. I always love that feeling of when we're getting ready to go to Mexico and I can brush up on my Spanish. She never gave me back those books she borrowed from me did she? I enjoy reading the books that have Spanish on one side and English on the other. I am proud that I moved down there by myself with one friend and lived there 3.5 years. I guess that's what S is doing. I didn't burn any bridges when I left. Perhaps G wanted to live in L.A for longer. I left on the week of September 11th. There were tanks at L.A.X. I remember that Independence Day in Mexico City. My first experience of the Zocalo.