1st Day of Summer Session 2

 Here we are again. The first day of another session of teaching students. I'm excited. I don't know what to expect. That's what makes it exciting. As always there is so much going on in my life. I'm trying to be the calm in the storm. I didn't sleep well on Saturday night but I slept better last night. I did wake up a few times from dreams and didn't know where I was or if something was trying to invade my room. I asked S if he would allow me to tell a story and sing a song instead of read the Pokemon book because Daddy was tired, but he wouldn't budge. He is stubborn. This quality can serve him well her be his undoing at times. Like any characteristic we all have. C hasn't slept in a week. I haven't been able to look her in the eye lately. I am still angry at how things worked out, but I don't blame her fully because I know I am to blame (if that is the right word). We couldn't bridge our differences. Is it over? When I look at these profiles of people they fall into categories: nature lover, dog lover, artist. People have tattoos and piercings. They wear a tremendous amount of makeup. So many of them are unattractive to me whatever they put on. I am grateful that I found someone I found attractive to spend so much of my life with and to have two beautiful kids. It was fun to see P. To see the joy in his life and the challenges. That is the meaning in our life in the end to share intimacy with someone along the way and give and receive from someone when they need you or you need them. P was a shoulder I needed on that no one else would give me. I didn't have anyone I could talk to that wasn't compromised by their loyalties to her, and my parents were not giving me what I needed. I don't know that I trust them for wisdom about life experiences. I do appreciate their unique point of view when the Mexican view of life is all I have around me. The Mexican view of life is that you have to sacrifice everything of who you are for your family, but what does that leave you with if nothing of your self remains. Children, or at least the children in C's family, are given everything and does this deplete the adults beyond repair? 

Students Are the Best

 A moment to breathe. Four more days of school. Then Summer School. A student just brought me in the most amazing drawing. She wasn't able to do too many assignments this year, but she's a deep thinker and a great artist and she's passing the class because it's the right thing to do. She shared with me some of her struggles this year and I believe her. On my wall I have letters students have written me. It is one of my most prized possessions. Beyond the curriculum it shows that we connected and it makes me feel good in times of trouble. I let people borrow books on the honor system and most of the students bring them back. That makes me feel good too. My classroom library makes me feel good too. 

Here I Am

 Here I am. Another day. Another day trying to carve out a place for me in this chaotic world. Another day wondering how to be happy. How I can get the most out of the day. Such an American concept. Or is it American to think that any concept is solely American? Parents are coming up to visit at the end of June. Moving back into the house at the end of June. Wondering how to translate all these chaotic thoughts into a piece of art. Enjoying reading Gary Singh's book about San Jose. 

Never Wanted to Be Rich

 I never wanted to be rich. I never wanted to be famous. I would love to have published something or been considered or great or incisive writer with a unique style. I would love to be able to play the guitar or sing. I would love to have performed in a play or written a play that someone performed that rang true to many. The people I admire are rarely famous, but occasionally you hear someone famous speak and you say to yourself that they deserve to be famous. Genius is an overused word, but you meet them sometimes. Or you hear them from a distance. Moving out soon. Taking the books to my classroom that are high school appropriate. What is high school appropriate these days? I always like to push the envelope. To bring in the controversial or bring in reality a little to the classroom. They always say why can't you prepare them more for the real world. The classroom is in the real world. It's not sealed off. It allows in the good and the bad from the streets. 

My parents will be visiting at the end of June. I don't know how I feel about that. They're getting older and I'm getting older. One brother still hasn't picked up the telephone. One brother hasn't even texted. I haven't texted him either. I don't know what to say that wouldn't have a mound of subtext. He moved very far away and I don't have any kind of relationship with his kids. Everyone lives far away really. Would you want them any closer? Would that bring more problems. C's family handles it pretty well. They have their areas that they stay clear of and they fight every so often but they give each other space and then they come together again when they miss each other too much or for too long. 

I would love to travel again. I would love to take the kids on a trip. I would love to live in Mexico again with them. Maybe a Mexico of my dreams and not a Mexico that is the reality today. I would like them to speak Spanish and know that side of their culture. I would love for them to see the United States from the outside. 

What do you love about Mexico? Once your body has adjusted and you're not getting sick. The food. The Mexican breakfast. The Mexican pan de dulce. My suegra's cooking really. Better than most restaurants. The way she does enchiladas de verde. Pozole. Chilaquiles. The cheese. The Christmas traditions. The visual arts. Maybe I just want to visit and not live there. That was the dream from the before times that we would live down there in the summers and come back to work here during the school year. So far to afford living here on one salary though. 

What do you love about San Jose? The school playgrounds are nice. The parks are nice. Santa Cruz is close. Lake Tahoe is three hours away. The weather is nice. The Mexican food is good. I like my school. I like my job. 

Do I Want To Go Back?

 You're always half hoping that you can make it work. Why? When she won't even listen to you about your life. You have nothing in common with her. From the beginning. 18 years later. She is up and down every day. She can't find a way to manage her stress. Is it time to start dating again? To find someone else? To remake my life? Where will my kids fit in? You will figure it out as you go. What will it be like to feel desire and be desired again? You have to build yourself up again. You are worthy of being desired. This image flashes into my mind that I need to start doing sit-ups. With all its challenges, I enjoy my job. I enjoy learning more about teaching, reading and writing. Film. 

I already told my son I'm going back. We could probably swing the two residences financially. 

Not What Is Missing-What is Going Right

 S is making me a cake for my birthday. She is looking for the plate. "You don't want to miss your birthday party. You want to celebrate it. I'm decorating it." You have to remember these moments. You can't dwell on all the disappointments and lack of connection with people because there are these moments too. Where you feel perfectly happy and fulfilled. The way the psyche works and the way the memory works is that it searches out when something is wrong and you forget when things are going right. I have so much to be thankful for. 

The inbox is always full. The house always needs to be cleaned. No of this will matter when your life is over. Who will be there at the end? Who will you think about and a smile will come to your face? Where will I go after I die. How old will I be when I die and how old will my kids be? Will they remember me with fondness? Will we be close until the end? I am not close with my parents. Was I ever close? We used to watch Sunday football games. We used to go to my soccer games and vacations together and we/I felt happy. We used to swim in the pool together and have bbq meals in the hot summer nights. 

How do you know if someone in your family really loves you and it's not just fulfilling the minimal family obligations? Who would really go out on a line for you? Who would stand by you when the chips are down? I saw who supported me when I was going through marriage challenges. When I called in that parking lot to tell my parents what had happened I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. There was not a human being on the other end of that line. 

I have learned certain lessons of compassion from all the different kinds of books I've read. I have a flexibility with people and a willingness to see things from his or her point of view. 

I have been a teacher for 15 years. I have had many positive experiences with students. I have tried coaching soccer, teaching advanced classes, starting classes, advising clubs, going to trainings and signing up for professional development. I have worked hard to build up my classroom library. 

What are the techniques or teaching philosophy ideas that I keep coming back to? Choice in reading and writing. Students learn writing by writing. Quickwrites. Gradeless classroom with maximum feedback while they are writing drafts. Writing conferences. Reading conferences. Book talks. 

Something Different This Time Though

 It's time to stop looking at the Covid dashboard. This pandemic will go on for a long time. The virus will be with us forever, but what will become of my day to day life? What will teaching look like in the fall? What will school be like for my children? It's exciting to see S read. It's exciting that he enjoys reading. It's one of the main pleasures of life for me. 

Where does that zeal come from that I was expressing in the Earth President script idea to destroy humanity and start over. A demilitarized zone where the animals can come back. Nature is healing. Chernobyl. Each death and each Covid case represents a web of relationships that have been permanently changed. Orphans. For some there is nowhere to go for advice, comfort and love. Now the P's are getting bombed by the I's once again. 

How can I's who were killed throughout history become the killers now? Short memories. Trauma. The nature of human beings. I've seen immigrants hating other immigrants for being immigrants. 

C is finishing up her Master's. Thank god. The debts we have continue to get paid. The American government continues to be imperialist. The American military continues to repress local movements. There is something different this time though. There is more in the media about the P's perspective. Social media can't be fully censored. Bits of truth are sneaking in. Slipping by. 

I haven't had a good talk with my parents in a while. I'm afraid to invite them up, especially now with what's happened in the family. Hope P is ok. He hasn't called me back and I haven't talked to him in a while. I know he's looking for a teaching job again. 

Teaching is a great job. I have so many unread books but it makes me happy to see them all lined up. I like to take them down and organize them. Straighten them so I can look at all the titles. My curiosity about the world has never dimmed. I continue to seek out new music. 

FDR's Bill of Rights. Clean Water. A clean environment. California is trying out a guaranteed income. You don't have freedom in our current system because you are indebted and you're too exhausted to enjoy your life. Too exhausted to enjoy your kids. I feel lucky to be a teacher. To have a union. To have medical and dental care and retirement.